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Haerim aka Liz

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Joshua Ray Hudson, my best friend [May. 10th, 2006|09:01 am]
Haerim aka Liz
Yesterday, May 9th 2006, Tuesday, Joshua Ray Hudson died. I can’t even begin to explain how I felt when I heard he died. He hit a wall then a tree, and his car wrapped around the tree. The corner of Knollwood & Country Club; it was only about six blocks from his house. It took three hours to get his body out. Wow. My heart ached. I fell to the ground. I couldn’t stop my tears. How could this happen? At the same time as well as I know him, I knew it was true. He was my best friend, my brother, my family. He was stubborn, he was aggressive and he always drove so fast.
I played at his recital. We did so much together. He helped me grow up and helped me become the person I am today. He has had such a huge impact on my life. We have over a hundred memories together. I met him in 2002. I met him through a friend. He was one of those guys that knew they were hot. He knew that he had it all. He was confident, fearless and loving. However, in 2003, my freshmen year and his freshmen year in college, somehow, we became so close. He became my big brother. We always hung out and just talked about everything from family to music to partying. No matter where we were, he always looked out for me. I was his “little Korean sister.” A lot of people hated him, for reasons that I can understand. He always expressed his opinions unafraid of how they thought and people hated that. But, whenever someone would tell me that, I was like yes, I understand that he’s not always nice, but to me, he’s been more than loving. Therefore, there’s nothing that can change my love for him and my support for him. He took me everywhere, from the grocery store to the airport. My life would not have been the same without him. As this year was winding down, the sentimental side of me always talked about how it wouldn’t be the same next year and how we’re all moving on with our lives and the hardship that would come. I am so sad to say that I underestimated the hardship. He was my lifetime friend, and he will still continue to be my lifetime friend. He picked on me for being so Korean, being so “high maintenance” and so picky for everything. In turn, I picked at him for all his little flaws he was so self-conscious just for fun. At the end of the day, we both knew it was all a joke and there was absolutely nothing we would do to change each other or our friendship. A lot of people would always question either Hudson or me about our strange relationship. Even we were confused at times. We were so close like we were even married, yet we were completely platonic and always would talk about each other. There would not be one day where we wouldn’t talk about what each other had said to others. I saw him through all his hard times in life, and he saw me through mine. I can’t even express in words everything he has meant to me and everything he was going to mean to me for the rest of my life.
I respect Hudson so much for all the things he has been through and the strength he carried. Both of Hudson’s parents have passed and he never showed any signs of weakness. He trudged through and was incredibly strong and never wanted any pity from anyone. That was what we both had in common. We both always did our best to be strong, to survive and to take care of ourselves, and each other. I miss him so much. I want to be strong for him right now because I know he’d be so mad at laugh at me for being so upset. I know he’s saying, “It’s my fault, I’m taking responsibility for this, I’m an idiot.” But, the thing is, I can see him say it, but I’ll never hear him say it. He’ll never laugh at me and make fun of me again. I can’t get pissed at him and yell at him again. He always talked about how he wanted eight kids. He loved kids. I’m so sad that he couldn’t get married to a beautiful woman like he deserved and to have the wonderful kids he wanted. I made fun of him about always wanting to talk to his niece, Mattie. He would always say, “Mattie, Mattie, what noise does the dog make?” It would be in this silly baby voice. He loved people, he loved life and loved music. He was so damn talented. Why Hudson? But somehow, I’m learning so much from this whole experience. It goes to show, you never know what the future holds. Right when you think you have the world in your hands, like Hudson did, something so horrifying, so tragic happens. I’m just so fortunate to have spent this weekend with him cooking dinner like we do once in a while. I brought along seaweed which he LOVED and ate all of. I ate lunch with him on Monday. He ate chicken salad. I feel as if he will just call me in few minutes asking me to go to coffee with him. The fact is that I have no regrets about our friendship. Even though he has died, I know that he knows how much he means to me and how much I love him and that’s all that matters to me. And I know how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. I just feel so much sadness for everyone in the world he didn’t have a chance to touch. The world has missed out on Joshua Ray Hudson.

P.S. Hudson loved the way I tried to say Joshua Ray Hudson in the most country, hick accent I could. Which by the way was horrible.

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(no subject) [Sep. 23rd, 2005|05:21 pm]
Haerim aka Liz
[music |oasis]

i know it's been long since i've last written, but i find that writing in lj serves me best when im actually in a life-crises. well, i shouldn't say it's life crises, but when i'm going through something helps me find out more about myself & in this case, it's about violin. it just helps me to write down how i feel & it's nice to look back and see how i've changed from then. i mean, i hate when people write about the dumbest things...like emo kids, blehbleh, i hate my life..haha anyhow, back to MY entry.
it's about the different teaching styles and different styles of playing, etc. it's just been really difficult trying to adjust back to kevin lawrence's ways since i've been back. i've seen the otherside, one could say. i've seen violin playing in a whole new light, not in galamian's eyes. i love my teacher to death and there's no one that could have put up with me and worked that hard with me for the last 8 years of my life, but it's also difficult when there's conflicts of interest in question. i had a lesson today, it ended up with me in tears. it wasn't because the lesson was bad, or i got mad/sad. i got so stressed out & it made me think of this summer when i was in a serious depression with violin. this summer, i was told so many times by so many teachers that i wasn't ready to audition at the schools i had always dreamed of. then, by the end of the summer and beginning of the year, i got a hold of myself & really made a difference in my playing, worked my ass off and now, i was beginning to feel much more confident and ready for my auditions. so, in my lesson today, i played bach. first of all, no matter who you go to, every teacher is gonna have their preferences on how to play bach, which is why it's so hard to play it b/c someone is gonna hate what you do no matter what. anyhow, so as i expected, kl changed...the style of playing, to dynamics, bowings..ALL BACK! i can't even begin to describe to anyone how much i had to practice & work to change when i studied w/aaron rosand. honestly, i liked it better b/c it made sense to me. rosand showed me bach in a whole new light. he showed me how to play it to make it easier to play. i mean who wants to make it harder than it already is? i feel like kl changes things anyhow he wants to and it's not necessary musical i feel like, it's his instincts and his own way. w/rosand, everything was the way bach wrote it, looked back at the manuscripts. i mean there's nothing wrong with kl's way, but, that's him, but i just felt like my whole summer was a waste. i mean, this summer, one of my last lessons with Mr. Rosand, i freaking started crying. i knew that something like this would happen when i got back. and he was really helpful & i learned so much, and i couldnt bare the thought that i would have to change it. and in defense to mr.lawrence, he has been really good about the changes i've made. he hasn't forced me to change anything big really and just accepted it. but, since my bach wasn't all that great to begin with, he picked at everything. and bach is probably what i've put the most of my energy to this summer to change the style and bowings,etc. i argued w/kl for a bit, then i left the lesson. im not mad at him b/c it's not his fault. i've just changed this summer, drastically. my playing has come a long way, and i'm lucky for the opportunity i had this summer. and i mean this is my last year with mr.lawrence, im going to respect him and we're gonna find a compromise. at the end, lawrence said so himself, he's not trying to force anything upon me. he just wants to help me sound my best, and i know that. he knows that i sound so much better. he knows that it was helpful for me to study w/rosand. it's just really difficult b/c now, im at a loss, once again. i'll be fine & i know im going to do everything in my power to sound my best. but right now, this moment, it's really hard to feel optimistic.
anyhow, on a lighter note...here's my senior quote. and this is going to be my motto for everything i want to acheive in life.

"You see things and you say, "Why?" but I dream things that never were; and I say "Why Not?"
george bernard shaw
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2005|01:53 pm]
Haerim aka Liz
[mood |determineddetermined]

so. its definitely been a WHILE since i've last updated for valid reasons. the last 4weeks were spent in vermont at a music camp. i have to say it was a true eye opening experience. not because of the camp itself but i realized many things about myself and my playing. i finally realized until i make some real changes i was never going to improve and in the process prevent my own dreams from coming true. many teachers talked to me and advised me this summer and finally i'm listening. for about 4 years i never listened and i never thought twice about all the problems i had and i thought that maybe by avoiding them, somehow my problems would disappear. perhaps it's because i have auditions coming up that i finally woke up the reality of it all. unless i made some real changes, i woul simply not get accepted to the places that i wanted to go to so badly. i have hit a brick wall. i've hit the wall that prevents me from moving on forward. this summer has been great and horrible for many reasons but overall, i've really changed as a person and as a musician. i met some of the most amazing, the kindest people around and also saw great changes in people that i had known for years. i really am so lucky to have experienced all this. im so glad that i will finally make an attempt to transform my life. a teacher at camp said, "no matter how many times a teacher tells you to fix something, until it bothers YOU there will be no change." i knew what i had to change, but i didnt do it. now i will. because i know WHY i need to fix. we all experience one moment or another when we realize our mistakes. the true test is, are we gonna just let our mistakes run our lives and haunt us or are we going to make the effort to make it better even if it means the process could be long, painful, annoying and frustrating?

now im at a new camp, in tarrytown ny. its for 3 weeks. so far i have met one person basically. everyone here are super weird, music dorks like no other and i dont know..ahh not like me. haha maybe it's a sign. god wants me to be a loner to practice instead of socializing. heh. anyhow regardless of the friends-situation, im so lucky to be here to experience something new. i have the opportunity to study from one of the most respected, well-known teacher of all times. im really going to make this summer worth-while and work my ass off for the first time in a veryyy long time. the LAST thing i want is to have any kind of regrets in the spring after my auditions. i want to be as prepared as possible and really make my violin playing as great as possible. i met so many teachers that saw potential and talent in me but saw my flaws. i want to prove that i can make this work. that i can really play the violin. and i will. im determined to become the best violinist i can be, no matter what it takes. dont let anyone fool you. talent and potential means jackshit. hardwork will pay off in the end. having potential and talent is really a curse in disguise. it makes you THINK that you can get away with not working as hard, but it'll kick you in the ass one day and you're gonna be so ashamed and embarrassed. im learning it all now. until next update. ciao
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(no subject) [Jun. 14th, 2005|02:07 pm]
Haerim aka Liz
so im going a little survey crazy haha but eh procrastination has taken over:

Your Love Life by lpfloatsmyboat
favorite color:
best physical quaility:lips
best personality trait:caring
will you marry your bf/gf that you have now?it depends
when will you get married?March 12, 2019
your kiss is:passionate
People date you because:you're cute
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What Makes You.. by SheBangs12
Your name?
Your gender?
What makes you sexy?Your hair
What makes you pretty?Everything
What makes you loveable?Everything
What makes you fun?Everything about you!
What makes you irresistable?Everything.
What makes you cute?The way you walk
Quiz created with MemeGen!

REMEMBER..this is ALL true!!! haha
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(no subject) [Jun. 14th, 2005|12:43 am]
Haerim aka Liz
[mood |relaxedrelaxed]
[music |blower's daughter damien rice]

Just watched about half of closer..god i love that movie...it's amazing & the soundtrack...beautiful

my stay in beantown has been extremely nice...full of good food especially tonight & a lot of relaxing and mostly stress-free, that is until i start to think about my future, career, violin, family...all that jazz.
but i guess it's time that i finally thought about all that instead of pushing it all aside and pretending like if i avoid it the problems will just go away. it's time i take action & do something right and work at getting the results that I WANT and not what anyone else expects of me...

so it seems as if my summer took another direction. not only am i going to vermont for 4weeks...thru the help of some teachers, ive gotten my way into summit music festival in tarrytown ny(i know..where is that? haha) for another...3weeks ahh. it is definately going to be one of my hardest summers since this is the time i need to step it up w/practicing and getting ready for college auditions. for the first time in my life, im actually nervous about this whole violin deal esp. now that im going to summit...it'll be a true test for me, to be surrounded with great musicians and to see what the real music world is like...unlike the tiny bubble that ncsa has given me which has made me too comfortable and too lazy.

also..ive started on a workout plan, i think i need some structure to my life and also some toning up haha and oh yea it would help to be more active. hahaha..oh lord--we'll see if i get ANY results in the next 3months!!

until next time. ciao
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(no subject) [Jun. 7th, 2005|03:49 pm]
Haerim aka Liz
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |signs-snoop dog & jt]

ah..its been a while since my last update...thanks to my dear sakiko-i was inspired to update haha only b/c of her lil' song survey thingy anddd i wanted to list my favorites at the moment...

List five songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words or even if they're any good but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artist and the song in your blog along with your five songs. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

1-coldplay: speed of sound
2-imogen heap: hide & seek(i miss my ncsa girls!!)
3-mariah carey: we belong together
4-snoop dog & j.t.: signs
5-jesse mccartney: shes no you (sry i gotta put in my teeny-pop song) haha

anyways, back to updating...im chillen in boston which is great..lexie & maggie came down from fairhaven to hang out w/me which was really nice of them...lexie went to france & maggie came down for another couple of days..i love those gralton girls haha...however, i wish i could have been in nyc to chill w/emily & sakiko..my ncsa girls :( they were having a blast of course.
um im going to philly this thrus to play for an accompanist so hopefully that'll go well & whatnot. more exciting news is that im gonna stay w/kirsten for another couple of nights!! i miss her soo much, i havent seen her since...november?? ya wow its been a while so that should be fun. and then next week im gonna go to nyc with maggie i think..nothing is really planned yet but that should be happening...haha then going to VERMONT ahhh for camp. i dont have too much time left until i have to really pull my shit together...man. i hope that everything goes smoothly til then. other than that, im just chillin in boston & enjoying it. i just go around & shop, sleep, eat great food haha..its a nice life. oh yea and occasionally fit in violin here and there, heh. well time to do something productive. ciao
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last night in sanford dorm...another year has passed before my eyes [May. 26th, 2005|12:27 am]
Haerim aka Liz
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |imogen heap-hide & seek]

wow. simply nothing can describe how i feel at this moment. as i sit here in my sweats and looking around my messy room filled w/clothes, paper, trash...i can't help to just remininsce in the past and get extremely sad.
these last couple of weeks has just been INSANE...w/prom, beaux arts..or the lack of for me and exams...everything has simply flown by. i have been soo lucky...even w/all my misfortunes this year, i've had the best time w/the best people i could ever get together. the saddest part is...realizing that i really may never see some of these people again...as you get older, you have to leave people you love more often..seems like it. i've tried to make a conscious effort to look at people through their best qualities since my time is limited with them. i'm just amazed at the time that has just passed & i'm looking forward to the future. i'm scared, but i'm also very excited...i want to make my life as eventful as possible...i'll always keep in touch w/those who really matter & love me & we'll all continue to live our lives and take those we love with us.
example...my best friend in the world allie...if you read this..know that i'm sooo sad about not being able to see you..and im tearing up right now just thinking about it..you are simply amazing & beautiful and i tell you everything b/c i know you can understand me...no matter how different we may seem...we're not..
to all my girls: i love you guys soo much, thank you for making my years at ncsa so amazing & fun & hot. i've had the best time w/our POSSEE...and i love how comfortable we are w/each other & how vulgar we are & how down to earth we can be...or superficial..basically ALL THE ABOVE..thank you for all the times you've been there for me...and to make fun of my speech issues....haha

i should get back to packing...or something..but im gonna leave w/one of my fav quotes..from sex in the city that meredith put in her yearbook...

"After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
p.s. when i first read this..i straight up started to cry..haha..im such a lame-o....

bye everyone good luck w/your lives! and make the best of it..it's all too short..
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yes..i've been up...all night...morning. [May. 1st, 2005|05:15 am]
Haerim aka Liz
[mood |mellowmellow]
[music |the album leaf]

I haven't been able to do much updating recently..a lot's just going on & i suppose LJ isn't really a priority in my life hah at the moment anyhow. It's been a really good week overall, of course, excluding the school part...lexie came to visit for a weekend! it was simply amazing!! we just had the best time ever...everyone. as soon as she came back,everyone just got along & we all just bonded & had one of the best weekends of all year....just to reminiscence about our past lives..haha and everything else.

i have competition in a week & there's also PROM IN 2 WEEKS!
i'm sooo excited...it'll be the last time the girls will all be at one function together...i get really emotional about stuff like that...i'm just scared that i'll never find people like i have here...i've really changed as a person & grown up and have found people i really trust & love. i hope that i can continue to find people more like them, which will be HIGHLY unlikely but as lexie said, after friendships like these, you have such a high standard for the quality friend that you'll only befriend those that can only even begin to compare to ones you'd found once. Once you set a standard for yourself, you can follow by it...that rule definitely applies to every aspect of life....every action you take affects your attitude towards life. I'm so glad that the year's almost over...it's been such a high emotionally driven year, and just overall, rough. so many things have changed that it's even hard to accept now but time has definitely helped heal many wounds...

i'm extremely excited for the summer..hopefully majority of it will be spent in boston...andd i'll see lexie & nicole..whom i haven't seen in honestly ...good 2 years that'll be soo nice to see her & hang out w/her again. i'm amazed at how i've been able to continue friendships even though i haven't seen them or talked to them very often. But i guess that's what true friendship is....no matter where you go & how you change, you change for the better & you can always keep a conversation about everything...
i'm so lucky to have found such amazing people in my life & i hope to continue that pattern.
as for everything else in life, only thing there is left for me to do is just to work my ass off..not for anyone else but for myself and for my future, for my own life...

i must attempt to go to bed so i can be semi-productive tomorrow, or rather...today
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(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2005|04:43 pm]
Haerim aka Liz
[music |jay-z]

so i feel like i NEED to take the time to write about my tues night-yes it was 2 days ago but i still wanna write about it so i remember this night for a long time...

amanda & i went to charlotte to see MAROON 5!!!!
they were amazing..simply amazing
they were SOOOO good live, it was so refreshing to see a band that was worth seeing live to witness why they became so big to begin with.
adam's falsetto notes were all sounded really good for the most part & the band just did so much to make it more interesting. it wasn't the same as listening to the cd, they made it a little more hardcore, a little more rock-ish & just changed it up & made it so exciting.

it made me realize how much more i love music & why i wanna be a musician. i know that it's completely different types of music, but it's still the same basic principle.to be up on stage & play music & to lovce every moment & the rush of it all is AMAZING!!! and that's why we musicians love it so much!! you realize after all the work you put in to it, it's worth everything, it's worth my whole life. maroon 5 just looked like they were having soo much fun & it was just so comfortable for them...pretty inspiring...
and of course amanda & i were DANCING like crazyyyyy & singing & screaming..i could barely talk afterwards hahaha. it was awesome--

ahh---i wanna see them again
anyhow, time for me to go do something productive. ciao
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oh sweet ol' beantown [Mar. 19th, 2005|11:37 am]
Haerim aka Liz
i've been in boston for all of 6 days, yet it feels as if i've been here forever. i've had the best time in a veryyy...longg time considering all the drama i've had to endure in the past 6 months. it's amazing to be away from everything and just to be able to relax for a bit. i'm staying w/my auntie julie & uncle joe..the J SQUARED. i love them. they're basically my family in america & they have been so wonderful and treated me like a princess :)

during the day i'm alone wandering the streets of boston, sometimes finding myself lost, but i always figure out how to get back. it seems all so routine & peaceful. i've been going to copley's VERY frequently, either to go window shopping(yes..not TOO much actual buying) hah or to go work out. it's been awesome to just do every day things in boston, it feels like i'm living here and this is my actual life. i wish.
yesterday, i had lunch w/a camp friend, sharon who attends NEC & met w/my friend chris and walked around harvard square. it was so much fun just walking around & for ONCE, being able to do what i wanted to do w/o needing a car, or in fact any other person. i love being able to be independent & go on my little adventures...it's about all the excitement i can deal with haha. i can NOT believe i have to go back to nc in a day. i've had the best time & it makes me so sad i must leave. and..on top of that, i've had the BESTTTTTTTTTT food..so good that you can NOT even imagine the beauty of it..haha anyone that knows me KNOWS i'm obbessed & in LOVE w/food haha. i've had bulgogi-korean dish made by the J-queen, italian food in the north end, along w/italian dessert w/joe, southern food-AMAZING along w/the loud jazz music played by 2 asians..yea i know what you're thinking...who's seen asians playing jazz? well let me tell you, i witnessed it haha it was rather funny and of course the infamous pasta by joe. i know..you're all thinking, how is liz ever gonna live after leaving? well the good news is...i'll be back!! my auntie is so sweet & wants me to come back anytime i want. i feel kinda bad just cuz i think i'm offically taking over this place haha. i mean what's not to love? they live approx. 5 min or less from EVERYTHING...copley's 5min away, newbury st is 7-10min away. it's AWESOME...basically. so i'll be here prob. in june, nothing is certain yet, but hopefully i will be here for longer next time so we can do EVEN more fun things haha likeee eat great food, and perhaps i'll even learn how to golf haha...me golfing? well i wanna try at least, maybe my klutz-ness will decrease after learning a more, patient, cultured sport...haha
i'm getting so reminiscent already & i haven't left this place!!
well i must run off to eat some dumplings....
i'll update once i leave this haven....
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